I AM…so deal with it. An Editorial Revelation From God By R.J. Godlewski.

I AM…so deal with it!

(An Editorial Revelation from God)

By R.J. Godlewski

Hello everyone, this is God. Most of you know who I am though there’s that weird Dutch Bishop character, Martin Muskens, who seems to think that I don’t care what I’m called. I apologize for using a third-rate novelist as my mouthpiece, but all the good ones have been taken – by me! Ha! Seriously, you people seem to have a very strange way of treating the treasures that I have sent you. I loaned you Edgar Allen Poe and you let him die a raving lunatic but after a hundred years or so you claim him to be the master of the short story. I sent you Herman Melville and you let him complete his earthly life bored and depressed; a hundred years later his Moby Dick becomes known as the “Greatest American Novel”. Yet, I decide to throw you a curve ball and unload a few blonde bimbos your way and your media types cover them like they were a gift from God! Sorry, no pun intended.

I tried being patient with you people, most patient in fact. You just don’t seem to listen now do you? Abraham was cool; I gave him a single instruction and he carried it out to a tee – well, almost; I preferred roast lamb with a smidgeon of lemon juice. Anyway, I told Noah to build an ark and he followed through much to the disgust of his neighbors. Did you follow their example? Uh uh. I had to send the Egyptians ten plagues before they listened. Have you any idea on how hard it is to come up with those critters in the desert? That was the whole purpose of creating the desert in the first place; sanitized everything under a blazing sun so it would be nice and clean. What of the Jews? My people, huh? It took Ten Commandments written down in stone and they still didn’t listen until I got angry. Finally, I had enough and came down to earth myself.

Not to overcomplicate matters, which is what you people seem to enjoy doing, I gave you two simple commandments, so easy in fact that a child could understand and I even told you that much! I said “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind” after which I added “You shall love your neighbor as yourself”. This is not rocket science, people! Listen, I had paradise before you screwed things up. A nice place with a little organic garden out back and two kids (one of each!). Throw in a big ol’ gas guzzlin’ SUV and I would’ve made the perfect yuppie! But nooooooo, you couldn’t leave well enough alone and had to play God yourself and you’ve been at it ever since!

Do you know how many times, for example, that I laugh myself silly whenever you guys debate on whether you descended from apes or sprang up out of the ground? Want the answer? It’s none of your business! That’s right; I decide what I use to create what I want. However, I’m feeling nice today so I’ll let you in on a little secret: it wasn’t clay that I molded you out of and it wasn’t air that I blew into your nostrils…but there’s ladies present. He he he. Feel better? I bet. You just can’t leave well enough alone, can you?

You know, I really try to be the loving father, even going so far as letting you call me Abba – ‘Daddy’ – but you still want to be me. Simply put; you couldn’t handle it. Listen, the universe is a very big place and I can’t pamper you guys to the exclusion of the rest of Creation. After all, the Universe is thirteen billion light years in radius and you represent only a minuscule clump of dirt out within the vastness. Actually, the Universe is a whole lot bigger but, like the time of your death, you don’t have the need to know. Oh, I could tell you when the end is coming, but then I'd have to kill you. For those of you nerdy types out there who seem to think that there are other universes out there I’ll give you a push in the right direction – universe means everything! Now chew on that a bit while I continue chatting on with normal people.

All of you just don’t seem to understand that you take up far too much time – and that’s from someone who invented eternity! I mean how much attention do you need? I sent the prophets. I sent the saints. I dropped down for a visit. I still send my mother every now and then to tidy up the place. What! God has a mother??? Now don’t go postal on me yet. Remember, I’m God – I can do whatever I want. I wanted a strange looking bird that couldn’t fly. Poof! Ostriches. I wanted an animal that can trim the trees whenever they get too tall. Poof! Giraffes. I’d explain the Duck-billed Platypus but the academic-types over there are still hung up on the universe question. Shish. Don’t let them know, but I intentionally restricted their ability to understand. You have to admit, though, they’re pretty darn funny sometimes. I designed you guys for a nice, comfortable 98° F. and you’re all worried about global warming when the outside temperature is only in the seventies. Listen, the planet was a whole lot hotter when I created it and it will be astronomically hotter where you’re heading if you don’t stop, take a deep breath, and concern yourselves with, well, yourselves.

You seem to fight amongst your siblings all of the time instead of learning to work together. Remember that great big universe? It’s there so you guys can explore it. No, I won’t let you visit all of it; you’ve got your hands full with the earth. Besides, you tracked up the moon for no good intent, why would I allow you to leave footprints all over Mars or somewhere more distant? There’s a reason, people, that I placed significant voids between all of the planets and between stars and galaxies and clusters and…well, you get the idea. I gave you a nice, crisp, clean planet all to yourselves and you crowd everybody on the dry portion. Perhaps if you bathed in that water some of the time you wouldn’t be so disagreeable But I digress…

I gave you plenty of food, plenty of resources, plenty of sunshine, and plenty of air and still you bitch, bitch, bitch! I God, people, did you think that everything would be done for you? You had that in the Garden of Eden and you blew it! The cherubim are still cleaning the place up. Newlyweds; go figure. Speaking of marriage, where do you guys get off on changing my rules? What part of “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body” don’t you understand? Chapter Two of the Bible, people. I didn’t hide it in the middle. I wrote the book, I doubt if you’ll fall asleep that fast.

You Muslims, I could understand. You just had to have your own book. That wouldn’t be so bad if you had exercised some creativity but you simply plagiarized most of it. To make matters worse, didn’t I come down there and tell everyone “I am the way” and warn you against future prophets who would act in my name? Again, not rocket science. Yet, you radical Islamists think that you’re going to kill my children and then I’m going to reward you up here with the keys to the penthouse bridal suite? Seventy-seven virgins? I’ve got news for you, kiddo, how about stoking the fires in the boiler room. That’s right; the basement where it’s so hot your wiener will frizzle. Virgins? Ha! When I showed up at weddings I changed water into the best wine ever for the guests and you show up wearing bombs! If you think that you’re going to enter Paradise you’ve got another thing coming!

Remember, I gave you people free will, not freedom. Sure, you can do as you please but there’ll be hell to pay if you choose unwisely. Think that it’s all a game? That somehow you can go around changing my laws and making do with what suits you? Bull! I brought you up out of the ground; I’ll send you back into the ground! Oh, I know how you guys think. A sports athlete cheats by taking performance enhancing drugs and you cry foul. A referee uses his position to profit through gambling and you cry foul. You cry foul over what everyone else does but you look away from the mirror, right? Don’t think that I notice such things, right? Don’t think that I care if you decide to call me different names when I told you thousands of years ago who I was, right? You guys are no different than those scientists who spend far too much time thinking they’re God. I AM and you’re not. Don’t make me come down there again.