A Devil’s Advocate Response to the Editorial Revelation from God

A Devil’s Advocate Response to the Editorial Revelation from God.

By R.J. Godlewski

Hey, there. This is Noigel. For those of you who bothered to read Antevastatio Militis, you know exactly who I am. My friends call me the Devil, Satan, Lucifer, Ozzy Osbourne…but that doesn’t matter. It’s come to my attention that His Eternal Forgiveness, Lord God Almighty Creator of all the Heavens and Earth has sent you a message and seeing how I try to screw up everything that He does – that’s kind of my ‘thing’ – I’ve decided to send you my own little greeting. Now, myself, I didn’t want to use the very same clown that He did as my mouthpiece but, damn, Stephen King wanted a ridiculous advance! I do have an appointment with Paris Hilton, however, but to be frank, I’m just a l’bit tired of hearing about that bitch. I mean, I sway Josef Stalin into murdering twenty million people and nobody seems to remember it. I convince Adolf Hitler to exterminate six million Jews and people claim that it didn’t happen. But lo and behold I turn my back for a second and that girl gets humped in front of a camera and it’s an international sensation! I had nothing to do with it!

Oh sure, I know what everyone thinks. That sex is all my fault. I’ve been blamed for that ever since the first newlyweds went at it in the Garden. Me? I was merely hanging around the tree minding my own business like any other studious apple farmer and zap! I get chucked out of Paradise and land hard on my ass – which, incidentally, the Lord also took away from me. Today, voyeurism is all the rage but I get caught doing it once and I have to spend eternity slithering around on my belly! Yep, the Old Man really had it in for me. He created angels and demons – no problem. As soon as He gives Man a pecker all hell breaks out! Listen, it’s getting pretty damn crowded down here. You know what Hell is like; you’ve been through road construction – destruction everywhere, a bunch of people standing around with their thumb up their ass, and nothing ever seems to get done! Blame me, will you?

I send a bunch of Islamists out to blow themselves up and kill as many righteous people as possible. Simple, right? No way. They want to enter Heaven and partake of seventy-seven virgins. See what kind of people that I have to deal with? Virgins? In Heaven? Listen, you can’t take people who haven’t had sex in thirty, forty, or maybe even fifty years and put them all in the same hotel and expect them to behave! Then they have the audacity to call America the Great Satan. Trust me; I don’t share the stage with nobody! Got that?

Listen, I run a typical union here – everybody wants some benefit without working for it; and when the bill finally comes due they’re in shock over how much it really costs. Yes, everyone comes knocking upon my door for a path to a more enjoyable life. You have immigration problems? Ha! As soon as they get down here, every five seconds it’s “Too hot here!” “I can’t breathe!” or “I’m being crowded!” I just knew that I should’ve kept my damn mouth shut about global warming. I try to deceive you people into disrupting God’s plans for ya all and it always comes back to bite me in the ass. Never fails. Take Rock and Roll, for example. Oh, yes. All the ‘good’ bands seem to be associated with me. Hey, I was known as being the good looking, intelligent one. Full of pride and confidence. A strong leader. Do you think for a moment that I want someone like Mick Jagger representing me? Talk about fugly! I admit that the music is damn good but, c’mon, even I have scruples.

It’s not very easy being in charge of a bunch of demons. Everyone wants to be the boss. The “Queen of Mean” just came down here and wants new servants. Saddam’s still trying to get into the medicine cabinet. Ayatollah Khomeini constantly gripes about having piles. I told him not to sit on hot rocks while wearing a damn dress! Therefore, you can understand why I simply need to get away from the office and come up there for a visit every now and then. You might’ve seen me; I was in that big SUV that swerved in front of you the other day. No, wait; maybe it was when I cut into the express line with forty items. I don’t know, I lose track sometimes. I’m still waiting on the pictures to come back from the one hour photo place regarding that stupid duet down in Georgia.

I guess my biggest complaint is how you people always seem to infringe upon my copyrights. The Chinese are particularly good at this. Oh, yeah, like they invented the dragon. They can’t even make kids’ toys and they’re trying to emulate the “Master of Disaster” himself? Ha! In your dreams buddy! I can’t even keep a straight face when I consider those who are trying to take my place up there! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Hugo Chavez? Kim Jong Il? Buffoons! Oafs! The biggest worry is who’ll be scrubbing the shitters down here. The only reason that I haven’t sent them an invite as of yet is because we’re a little lacking in ventilation down here. Same goes for that al-Sadr character in Iraq. Word has it that one’s not supposed to stand downwind from him!

You know, it might be as hot as an oven down here but that doesn’t mean that residence here is a piece of cake. You people bitch about a mere forty-hour work week. The French can’t even handle that! How does eternity grab you? You think that you have the job from hell now? Just wait! I’ve got something planned for your ass and it won’t come with any promotions either. “I want a corner office!” Yeah, right. Wherever it is, my office will be right next door and we don’t even go modular here. That’s right! That tall jerk that seems bent on annoying you everyday will be parked right next to you. So enjoy it while it lasts; at least now you can get away at the end of the day or during a long weekend such as now!

Yes, life’s not very easy down here in the septic tank of Creation. God, as the architect, naturally got the penthouse. The good angels – damn ass kissers – got first dibs on the air conditioning and, well, you people got the retail floors. That’s right, spend your hearts out! There’ll be hell to pay soon enough! Lucky bastards. Me? I make one damn comment about how to improve things and poof! I get demoted to the basement level. They even screwed up my name on the door! Oh, the angels get Gabriel, Michael, Rafael. What do I get? Beelzebub. What the hell kind of name is that? Have you ever ordered supplies with a name that they can’t pronounce if their life depended upon it? Don’t even ask where my subscription to the New York Times goes. Naturally, though, I do get the bills for the Democratic Party and the ACLU seems undeterred in asking for my participation in their office parties. Everyone wants to kiss up to their boss. Oh well. I guess that it goes with the territory.

I don’t mind if people create havoc in my stead as long as they give credit where it’s due. For example, having abortions is my idea. Do you even give me that simple acknowledgement? Like hell you do! You all seem to suggest that it’s written within the U.S. Constitution or something. Can’t you simply say that abortion is the devil’s due? What about indiscriminate murder? What’s so damn hard about saying that, in the words of the late great Flip Wilson, the “Devil made me do it!” Nooooooo, you have to give guns the credit, as if they could do a damn thing on their own. Or – and this is my favorite – you pass the buck onto some other problem such as poverty, local strife, or ignorance. Even when you allow my name to creep up it’s usually only in regards to the insanity defense. Hey, how would you like to score the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl and then have the announcer say the name of another player? Wouldn’t you be pissed?

So let’s all do me a great big favor and give me credit for the things that I’ve done to screw up the world. Don’t blame anybody but me – I take pride in what I do. I don’t pass the buck. I don’t make excuses. I don’t even lie – well, maybe I do every now and then – but nothing like those damn politicians. I wrote the book on deceit – the Koran for those who don’t know better J -- but I mean, damn, if imitation is the purest form of flattery! Anyway, just tell people that evil exists within the world and it is the tool of yours truly, Satan. Getting people to do things that they wouldn’t normally do is simply job security on my part. If it wasn’t for me lurking around, you wouldn’t know what Paradise was. So take care and I’ll keep the home fires lit for you.

P.S. That R.J. Godlewski character has a new novel coming out next year – The Choir of Noigel – don’t buy the book! It’s an unauthorized biography and my words were taken completely out of context!